Saturday, June 19, 2010

'bout time, now

Gawd, it's been awhile. I am now inspired to write something because I told someone I write things, then I looked at my most recent posts, and they were all about being sick and tired. Which was true then. But now I feel the need to update and say, I'M NOT SICK AND TIRED! Dear reader(s), take note!

This not being sick and tired has made a major change in my life. I hadn't realized how burnt I was until my body absolutely shut down and I was sick for... over 3 months. It took me doing nothing for a week to begin feeling able to come back in to the world. And since I've come back in to the world, I've moved, given way advanced notice on my job, and begun working on prerequisites for a Pilates course, a path that I hope will allow me to sit behind a computer less, investigate our relationships to our bodies and our bodies relationship to our senses of history, time, place, and belonging more.

And by that I mean that I want to teach people how to use their abs.

The summer program has begun again at the SF Conservatory of Dance. This is the first year, since the program started, that I have not been heavily involved. It is a relief. Instead of feeling as though I'm not working hard enough by not dancing 40+ hours a week, or doing the admin work to support such a program, or both, I'm able to appreciate what such a commitment did to shape me. I have the balls to consider myself an artist because of that program, and every success I have had is a direct result of the connections I've made through it. Dear SF Conservatory of Dance: thank you, once again, for saving my life.

That notice I gave was to leave my current position at the Conservatory. It's an incredibly difficult paradox for me to wrestle with. I am leaving something I love deeply, and that has meant a lot to me and made me in to who I am. It's hard. I cannot yet articulate why it is also necessary... other than I need to make room for more experiences. I feel comfortable at the Conservatory, which is great, but also dangerous. I could contently sit there and watch the beauty around me for the rest of my adult life. Contentment is not what I seek, so I must move on.

This fall, I will learn how to instruct people in how to do the hundreds, and roll ups, and other such things that are said to "tone, strengthen, and lengthen your body." I do believe in physical fitness, but fitness is just one level of things. Our bodies have stories to tell we are not even aware of. There is something in my ribcage that I don't know the truth of yet. It relates to something else in my hip, which comes from a need to protect myself from every sense of trauma I felt when I tore my ACL four years ago.

I recently had a conversation with a wonderful friend and violinist. He's been spending an hour every day retraining a harmful muscle pattern he developed which has been affecting his control and ability to hold long slow tones. He's had it for years, but not done anything about it. He said, "I think I'm finally ready to let it go."

That struck a chord with me. I'm very acutely aware of the holding patterns within my own body. I know what muscles get tight, and they have been this way for 4 years - more than long enough to fix it. If it is purely a physical problem, why haven't I been able to? Also, if I fix the physical problem, what else will change?

I fear that this post is beginning to turn in to more of a circuitous ramble, so I'm going to cut it off. Outside!