Tuesday, September 29, 2009

11pm and a bit of catharsis

Today, I had the pleasure of two cathartic experiences.

First: I went to El Torro and got a burrito with spicy salsa, and it was really spicy. At the end of my burrito I was sweating and my nose was running and there were napkins all over the table. It was, as my friend Dana noted, not much unlike the feeling of a really good cry.

Secondly, and later, I came home from a cafe where I go when I have work to do at night - where they have excellent chocolate chip cookies. There was a pair of scissors laying on my bed, an obvious signal that this was the moment to cut my hair.

I really like doing this myself. I don't care that it's uneven and choppy and funny looking at certain angles, there's just something to be said for picking up a pair of scissors and going at it.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

come, come

I love the performing, I really do, after all these years of stage fright. And I think that what I love most about it is the state it puts me in before, during, and after... there is this heightened sensitivity, an openness to beauty and possibility that exists, not down the line, but in the current state of things. In a totally honest new-aged Buddha way, it puts me fully in the present moment.

There is also the sense of creating something deeply meaningful, something that can touch and move others into new arenas of thought or understanding. Last night was that.

Here's to two more: Dandelion Dancetheater's MUTT - www.odcdance.org/buytickets

Thursday, September 17, 2009

moderate grumble, followed by a request

If I were to teach a completely useless class, it would be in email etiquette. Such as: I do not know you. We have never met. Why are you asking favors from me in such a familiar manner? The only other people I can think of who don't know me and ask favors of me are homeless people - and they are at least beseeching, or funny, they don't assume that because I have walked across their path they have a personal in to be familiar.

For those of you who may be reading this and who may know me, I'm performing this weekend with Dandelion Dancetheater at ODC Dance Commons. It's a heart-wrenching, thought-provoking piece. I do a dance, I sing a few notes, I say a few words.

Right now I'm too tired to say more.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

3, 2, 1 (a, f, e)

Today I took the long way home. Hot days make for really pleasant nights to bike in, and since it was only 9pm I got to feel like I was going home early.

Once at home, I figured out a new way to carry my bike up the stairs. It involves hoisting it over my shoulder and charging the obstacle course of metal gate, door, flight of stairs, 'nother door head on. I saw the neighbor boy doing this with his bike and his entry way yesterday.

Then I took a walk around my neighborhood. I went up to the grocery mart two blocks away, but it was already closed, so I walked around the block, peaked in at the schedule of the Bikram Yoga studio, and ended up at a grocery mart a block and a half away from my place. There, I bought yogurt, bananas, chocolate chips, and these things called Zebra bars which, after enjoying far too many of them, I discovered that just one has far too much saturated fat in it.

I cooked a quick stir-fry in the kitchen and put it in three different tuber wear containers - meals for this weekend's rehearsal schedule.

I finished folding my laundry! If you know me and laundry, you know that this is a bit of a monumental occasion. I hate laundry. HATE HATE HATE HATE it. There are some tasks I avoid but actually kind of enjoy, like washing the dishes and sweeping the floor, but there is nothing about laundry that gets me excited to be productive about it. In order to make myself fold it, I have to pile it on top of my bed so that I have to deal with it before I fall asleep. Or sleep on top of it, which has happened.

I'm listening to some music to calm my mind and quiet the constant repetition of numbers and beats that this tonight's rehearsal has stirred inside me.


I had a brief and impromptu talk with someone I admire much today, and he talked about feeling like he is in a transition time, about not knowing exactly what he's doing - and he talked as if that's the most natural thing in the world. He's totally right.

I want to dance much more than I am. There are certain ways I could do that:
1) Audition for places that rehearse regularly and a lot
2) Network and audition for and build up smaller projects until I'm doing a lot at once and am always busy
3) Create my own initiatives and reasons for dancing

Number 3 interests me a great deal, but I feel like it would be utterly cocky of myself to only invest in that. Who the hell am I to assume I know anything? And at my age!

Number 2 sounds absolutely exhausting and discombobulating. It's kind of what I'm doing, except I'd want to add more on top.

Number 1 is terrifying.

There's also the possibility of combination, if I'm going to get technical about it.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

complete chaos

I came home and my roommate had cleaned up quite a bit. On top of my foam roller, which I keep in the living room, he had placed some printed instructions, "MULTIPLE USES OF BIOFOAM ROLLERS," with subtitles, "SELF MYOFASCIAL RELEASE TECHNIQUES," "GENERAL TECHNIQUE," etc.


Next to my door was my mail, a free CD sample, and a news article, "Inflammatory Statements Trip up 'Green Jobs' Adviser." I put it next to the news article he had given me that morning to read, "Firms Racing to End Texting and Driving."

I stumbled in to the bathroom, a little tipsy from one glass of wine. I was wearing a leotard, but only because I'd run out of clean underwear. "Dancing is a lifestyle" is something I say to people I meet like computer programmers who have no idea what I do. Apparently, a lifestyle in which I have collected a drawer full of leotards to wear when I run out of clean underwear.

There are things in my life which I question the meaning of. This drawer is not one of them.

I have fallen head over heals in love with the faults of those I admire.

Friday, September 4, 2009

beanbags for your fingertips

I am still kind of searching.

I found a few things:
- the need to by physical, interspersed with the desire to investigate the meanings of things that are small and intricate
- the joy in being usefully productive
- the ability to ignore it all, for once

The trouble with ignoring it all is that it also feels a bit like not caring. However, I need to recognize that I have in fact done all that I am supposed to, and attempting to care past my capacity just ends up being unhealthy.


Many thanks to my friends who have made this week mean more than just drudgery.