Wednesday, May 20, 2009

time: compressed, shifted, shown

I could say, right now, honestly:
- I am happy with life
- I am uncertain
- I spend a good portion of my time dreaming
- I am often anxious, and just as often joyful
- I want many more things than I can have
- I am eternally grateful for what I have
- and for what I have had

Do you know, do you? How often I think of you? Memories are bittersweet washes. They stick in the fabric of my skin and muscle tissue and will forever. You did that to me, (I am grateful).

I have come to a point where I want to say, "I am an artist." And I feel the budding of such, I feel my experiences rising through the tissues that have been processing them for years, coming out as expressions, as ideas, as the desire to create.

I will always want to learn. I will never know anything, and I will always want to learn. But, as I get a little bit older, some things have grown. I have had more years on the planet, and I trust my body to understand the gravity of that. Of what it means to be alive on this planet. I trust my flesh, it knows how much that means.

I trust what will come out of seeking. I believe that I will never arrive.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

unlike myself, i engage in yet another atypical version of events

Come on, sweetheart. You know what happens one hour from now. You know what happens 20 minutes from now. You know what that shift meant. Did you notice it? There's a point, past which, as you know yourself, you won't go back.

I have long stopped regretting anything, I tell myself. And it's true, I feel no regret. A little bit of disbelief, confusion, maybe shock, but no regret. The world is, as it always is, as it is. And here I am, in it.

It's funny how little I know after so much proximity.

Despite any appearances, this is on an entirely different subject than my last post.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

wherein i find the definition of my favorite phrase, "in a little while"

In another version of myself: I am done. Past this. In this version, I'm barely scraping past the point where I've just accepted it. Acceptance can be dangerous. I wish I could stop accepting this one. I wish I insisted. I wish I'd be damned if I let myself. I wish I'd do anything but.

I have discovered that most things I can wait out two years:
- University of Utah Ballet Department: 2 years
- Living in a windowless room: 2 years
- The length of my 2 major relationships: about 2 years (give or take)
- Recovering from ACL surgery: luckily not more than 2 years

I wonder what I'll decide to change two years from now.

But what I was speaking of above, that hasn't changed. It just hasn't, and I've tried lots of things. It's been better, it's been worse, and maybe right now it's worse and so I just wish it would go away.

Over the next three weeks, I will be trying the same things all over again. And in addition, maybe: meditation?

I've been looking at new rooms to live in. I saw one Monday, one today, and have an appointment to see a third tomorrow. If the one I saw on Monday will take me, then I definitely want it. And if the one I saw today will take me, but the one I saw on Monday won't, then I could see myself happily living there (for at least 2 years). I don't know about the one tomorrow, but I hope that I can at least rank it and not rule it out.

It's funny how some things seem so hard until you decide to do them. And this relates to my previous post about how I am a PRO procrastinator. This evening I decided to wallow in the sadness of my two-year decision (it involves leaving roommates I love for a little sunlight) instead of being productive. What the crap, girl? Didn't you just write a blog about how you weren't going to do that?

Anyway, I digress, I ramble. Nice bit of email exchanging happened last night. And a PHONE call last Sunday, but it was not - officially - about anything other than collaborative art making and presenting. Apparently I am making an art piece because I have a crush on a boy, and not because I have an inner motivating need to be an artist. OH DEAR! This long-running crush is getting the best of me and, for better or worse, I am enjoying every minute of it. Perhaps in two years I will give up on it! Ahahaha, I crack myself up.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

sometimes i am a pro procrastinator

I performed in a completely new dance space yesterday, and it has left me feeling like I want more. I really really really want to go out dancing right now. But is it 3:00 on a Sunday afternoon, hardly appropriate.

The ankle is doing well. I'm anticipating being able to start jumping this week and am looking forward to it.

I can motivate myself for about 3 hours of work. After that I will do anything to avoid starting again, including considering biking somewhere I don't need to be to see if someone I don't know is there, starting 3 instant messaging conversations, thinking that in order to do anything I'm going to need at least one cookie, doing push ups and sit ups, and writing a blog.

I need to get better at self-motivating my work during the week so that my Sundays don't have to be completely set aside for my to-do list. How wonderful if I could be outside right now, guilt-free.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

king of the horshradishes, came through the window, out the door, trapeez artist

I am interested in the moment of initiation. In the impulse that starts action.

Ok, I KNOW! Ok, Ok, fine, I know that EVERYOne talks about this, that it's something that, as a dancer, you kind of have to be interested in. But give me a break - 98% of the population is interested in "movies," and just because everyone is interested in initiation, doesn't mean that I don't have a genuine desire to think about, explore, and gain knowedge on what exactly it is that comes before momementum, movement, or just plain work.

Like tonight, I have been procrastinating for hours. And finally decided that I needed to sit down and do some work, and it feels like all I need to do to make that happen is to plug in my external drive and turn it on. An action which will then start me openning the file I need, clicking here, clicking there, and getting the job done.

What is it that kick starts the beginning? What is it that I have to get past?

Is it possible to procrastinate physical movement? (Yes! I know someone who does this. And also, like my old roommate who procrastinated for months and then wrote brilliant papers, she is actually quite brilliant when she moves.)

And I'm actually not interested in movies. I like movies, sure, I'll go out to the movies and enjoy myself and talk about them afterwards, but I am not intested in them. They don't make my eyes widen when I think about them, or my brain go into a slightly spacey but only because it's ever so engaged state.

Also, as my waitress at the Thai restaurant said a few weekends back, I am a dreamer. I think I've been day-dreaming too much.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

results of a manic brain, spurred on by coffee, chocolate, and joy

Ba da, ding, I'm performing on Saturday. Woo! The thing being that it's Alex Ketley's work which, since it encourages a good deal of personal investigation - to the point of changing the material - it's perfectly possible to do on a bum ankle. PLUS! The piece is funny. So I'm dancing on Saturday, and I get to be funny. Yay!

The ankle really is doing much better, though, and continues to feel better after each day of working it in class. I anticipate being fully up and running within a week or so.

Also, just becuase you now have a blackberry does not mean you should start writing run-on-sentance emails. There's really no need.

I want to read a book on Chinese medicine, because accupuncture is saving my life.

I think that's all. Time for my day to get its official start, I suppose.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

notes from the unabashed middle ground

I felt like I should post a few highlights of conversation from an out-of-character weekend.

First off, on Friday night my friends and I went to the Red Devil Lounge on Polk St. to celebrate our friend's birthday. I'd never been there, but when I walked in the door someone came up to me and said, "Is your name Julia by chance?"

Why yes, yes, you are correct. We had grown up dancing together and are now both out in San Francisco. Fancy that.

Then, when high-tailing it to the bus stop after wards, I passed a couple of skinny jeaned, black t-shirt wearing hipsters, and one said to the other, "No, man! We came to San Francisco for a reason!" Which struck me as disastrously funny. Oh really? I'd be intrigued to learn what that is, because all I see you guys doing is loitering around the Mission in funny clothes and getting in my way on fixed gear bikes.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so harsh. Perhaps if I got to know a hipster, I would really enjoy him. And I actually think they're more my crowd than the crowd at the Marina club last night. Although that whole evening was disastrously funny as well - all I can say is that ballroom dancing engineers are sweet people, high rollers, and HOT on the dance floor.