Wednesday, June 24, 2009

days of the week as they pass through my system

This is an actual conversation that I had today, around 8am:

"It's Tuesday."
"No... I think it's Wednesday."
"Wait... no... it's Tuesday."
"No... it's Wednesday. Yeah, um, it's Wednesday."

You can decide which half of that I was.

My back figgin' hurts. I've been taking Cunnningham classes, and all that tilting and shifting and curving is way more than my poor spine is used to. But it's super duper good for the body, I feel. I almost want to seek out Cunningham classes, but I don't know if anyone teaches them regularly in the Bay Area.

I'm on the edge of really really wanting something very specific, and that is scary. I don't know the last time I let myself want something specific. Wanting in a general sense is much easier, such as: I want to dance. There are multiple ways to fufill that, and it would be odd if I didn't find a way to do so. Wanting to dance for someone in particular though, that allows the person to say no. Or we don't have room. Or not now. There are as many ways to be denied something specific that there are to fufill something general.

I am on the edge of letting myself want, held back by the fear of what it would feel like to be denied.

I had a low-confidence day today. And I was tired.

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