In another version of myself: I am done. Past this. In this version, I'm barely scraping past the point where I've just accepted it. Acceptance can be dangerous. I wish I could stop accepting this one. I wish I insisted. I wish I'd be damned if I let myself. I wish I'd do anything but.
I have discovered that most things I can wait out two years:
- University of Utah Ballet Department: 2 years
- Living in a windowless room: 2 years
- The length of my 2 major relationships: about 2 years (give or take)
- Recovering from ACL surgery: luckily not more than 2 years
I wonder what I'll decide to change two years from now.
But what I was speaking of above, that hasn't changed. It just hasn't, and I've tried lots of things. It's been better, it's been worse, and maybe right now it's worse and so I just wish it would go away.
Over the next three weeks, I will be trying the same things all over again. And in addition, maybe: meditation?
I've been looking at new rooms to live in. I saw one Monday, one today, and have an appointment to see a third tomorrow. If the one I saw on Monday will take me, then I definitely want it. And if the one I saw today will take me, but the one I saw on Monday won't, then I could see myself happily living there (for at least 2 years). I don't know about the one tomorrow, but I hope that I can at least rank it and not rule it out.
It's funny how some things seem so hard until you decide to do them. And this relates to my previous post about how I am a PRO procrastinator. This evening I decided to wallow in the sadness of my two-year decision (it involves leaving roommates I love for a little sunlight) instead of being productive. What the crap, girl? Didn't you just write a blog about how you weren't going to do that?
Anyway, I digress, I ramble. Nice bit of email exchanging happened last night. And a PHONE call last Sunday, but it was not - officially - about anything other than collaborative art making and presenting. Apparently I am making an art piece because I have a crush on a boy, and not because I have an inner motivating need to be an artist. OH DEAR! This long-running crush is getting the best of me and, for better or worse, I am enjoying every minute of it. Perhaps in two years I will give up on it! Ahahaha, I crack myself up.